Codependency and the Need to Create Boundaries
Codependent individuals put the needs of others above their own to their detriment. They do not have rules for others on how they want to be treated and are often out of touch with their own emotions.
Codependent individuals struggle with interpersonal boundaries, self-esteem, and self-worth and often struggle greatly in relationships.
Codependency can be damaging to both the codependent individual and the people they're in relationships with. If you think you might be codependent, it's important to seek professional help. With treatment, you can learn how to build healthy boundaries, communicate your needs, and take care of yourself.
What Is Codependency?
Although codependency isn't considered a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V) does list a dependent personality disorder, described as someone more passive, submissive, and dependent than most codependents.
Codependency is a term used to describe dysfunctional feelings and patterns of behavior. The severity and degree of the feelings and behaviors occur on a spectrum. Similar to disease and addiction, codependency symptoms solidify and worsen in intensity over time if left untreated.
The core codependent feelings include denial, low self-esteem, and painful emotions such as shame, guilt, anger and resentment, anxiety and fear, and depression. The core codependent behaviors include attempting to control others, enabling others' dysfunctional behavior, and sacrificing one's own needs for the sake of others.
Characteristics of Codependency
If you are codependent, you may have difficulty expressing your own needs and feelings or setting boundaries with others. You may also find yourself in relationships with people who are needy, dependent, or have addiction issues. The following five traits characterize codependency:
Caretaking: Codependents are excellent caretakers. Their empathy and deep feelings allow them to understand what others are going through, and their desire to help can be a real asset in difficult times. However, there is a downside to this codependent behavior. Codependents often give until they are depleted, putting the needs of others before their own. This can lead to burnout and resentment and leave codependents feeling like they have no control over their own lives.
Denial and avoidance: It's common for codependents to deny their feelings and needs. This is because codependency often leads people to focus more on taking care of others than themselves. Codependents may also avoid confrontations and conflicts and instead stay busy or distracted. This can be a way of numbing out their feelings and needs. Codependencies can develop in any relationship, but they're often seen in relationships where one person is struggling with addiction or mental health issues. If you're codependent, you may feel like you're not good enough or that you need to take care of others to be loved. These beliefs can make it hard to have healthy, supportive relationships.
Anger: Coedepend individuals often struggle with built-up resentments and anger. This happens because while they are focused on making sure others are okay, their own needs go unmet. This leads to feeling voiceless and unseen. The pain of this can also lead to anger. However, most people with codependency issues were taught not to show anger, so expressing this emotion effectively is challenging. Instead of expressing their anger outwardly, some people become depressed or develop physical ailments.
Controlling: Many people try to grab onto control when they feel like their life is spiraling out of control. Codependents, in particular, try to control other people's actions and feelings. Individuals with codependency issues also tend to try and control the outcome of situations to avoid problems.
Enabling or rescuing: Helping and enabling are two very different things. When you help, you do something that the other person cannot do for themselves. On the other hand, when you enable, you do something for the other person that they should be able to do for themselves.
Boundaries in Codependent Relationships
A boundary is a line or mark that separates one thing from another. In relationships, boundaries can be used as guidelines for how you allow others to treat you. In codependent relationships, that demarcation either does not exist or is constantly shifting.
Healthy boundaries define and separate individuals. They are clear and unwavering. People who struggle with codependency may have weak or rigid boundaries that impair their ability to interact as a separate entity.
Codependent individuals feel responsible for how other people feel and want to make them feel better. As a result, they allow people to disrespect them and don't communicate assertively to ask for what they need.
Setting boundaries is a vital step in any relationship, whether romantic, familial, platonic, or professional. Unfortunately, codependency often comes into play when people are afraid to set boundaries for fear of being rejected or alone.
Learning to set boundaries is a process that takes time, patience, and practice. However, it is possible to learn to develop and articulate limits in any relationship.
It is also crucial to set consequences you will use to hold yourself accountable to those boundaries. Remember, you are the only person who can decide what is best for you. Setting boundaries is a way of taking care of yourself and showing others that you deserve to be respected.
If you think you may be struggling with codependent behavior, help is available, and it's important to reach out. Many resources are available that can assist you in setting healthier boundaries and learning how to communicate more effectively. Boundaries are an important part of codependency recovery. By learning to set healthy boundaries, individuals struggling with codependency can begin to take back control of their lives. Next Level Recovery Associates can help. We can teach you how to assert your needs and wants effectively and establish guidelines for how you allow others to treat you. Assertive communication strategies are crucial in developing healthy relationships with others and with yourself. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it is a necessary step on the road to recovery from codependency. For more information on how to create and maintain interpersonal boundaries, contact Next Level Recovery Associates today at consult@nextlevelra.com.